Its weird how you really don't regret something until months after it has happened. When you feel this empty-ness inside and you sit there trying to figure out what it is from. And than you find some old pictures and all those memories you tried to forgot hits you like a ton of bricks. And than you sit there and beat yourself up over and over because you ruined something good, you hurt the ones you cared about, and you realize how much you have truly messed up. That's the moment that the regret sinks in and you wish you could go back in time and fix everything. Where you want to go back to that time when everything was happy and good, before you said those things and ruined what you now miss the most.
Those girls were my best friends, I felt like I could tell them anything in the world and they would not judge me for it. Some of the best times that I had these last few years were with them. Going to see musicals together, trips to the beach, singing loudly and horribly in my car with the windows down and a million other things. Those were the times, the times when I could say that I was honestly happy. And now comparing myself today to those times I realize how alone I really am. I try to shrug it off and seem like I'm fine having one person to hangout with but in reality I miss how things used to be. It felt like there was always someone there and someone to hangout with now. And you know how I am, put on a smile and pretend that nothing is wrong. I have no one to blame but myself for how things turned out. One fight between a person can lead to you losing everyone.
Looking back I would have done everything differently. Instead of just flat out getting into it with Steph I would have took a deep breathe and calmed down and pulled her aside and just talked to her. I wouldn't have ruined those friendships that I had. Maybe it's because I'm getting older and I'm realizing what I did was wrong, childish but most of all stupid. I never think before I speak, never realize what I say or do might hurt someome and now I'm realizing this all now. Now that it is too late. I guess the point of this is just to say that I regret this so much, I regret what I have done and I regret ruining those friendships that I had. I wish life had a rewind button but it doesn't. To anyone who is reading this, if I have hurt you or ruined our friendship I'm so sorry. I wish you knew how much our friendship meant to me and I want you to understand how sorry I really am. I know sorry doesn't always help things but I am sorry.
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