Can You Tell Me?

“Can you tell me, what is it you’re afraid of?”


I think I’m reaching the point where everything is just continuing to build up and frankly I’m quite tired of it. This whole cosigner thing for college is ridiculous. All I need is someone to cosign for my first year of college and that I can be off and on my way to Pittsburgh in July, but lord forbid it be that easy. And it just sucks so much because this is what I want, I want to move to a big city, I want to get away from here and everyone, I want to go to an art school, and I want to be a photographer. But than of course its not all this easy. And I’m at a lost here. So lets break this into two different things, one being what my mom wants and the other being what I want.


What my mom wants:
First of all she wants me to go to school to be a teacher….first of all, I don’t even like kids but according to her I’m good with them. Second of all that requires me to speak in front of people which I don’t do. I can’t talk in front of people so why would I want to do something the requires me every day to get up in front of kids and talk? Yeah, no. But now she is also suggesting that I stay here, in Ohio, in which I hate, and continue to go to LCCC and while I’m a full time student at LCCC she wants me to work a full time job. So where do I find time to do homework or have a social life? Yeah, that’s right, there’s not time for that. And finally she always wanted to be a teacher and I feel like she’s pressuring me into living out her dream job since she cant.


“I am the one who waited and now you act like you just don’t give a damn, like you never knew who I am.”

What I want:
It’s the complete opposite of what my mom wants from me. My number one goal, well thing I want is to go to AIP in Pittsburgh for two years and major in Photography. Than after AIP I want to move to NYC and work for some magazine or do freelance. In my mind I just have this picture of me living in a loft in the East Village riding the subway into the city everyday and working and doing what I love. And maybe I could even do headshots for Playbills and famous actors. And than somewhere in the midst of all of this I find that one guy who understands my passion, who actually has things in common with me and who most of all gives me those butterflies every time I see him. That’s what I want in my life, I want to get away from Ohio and start my own life and live the life I want, not one that my mom wants me to have. She’s so conservative and she doesn’t understand what enthralls to this kind of life style. She doesn’t understand the passion I have for creativity. Her and I don’t appreciate the same things. And I want to be my own person and be able to form my opinion on controversial topics and not have to sit here and defend myself. I shouldn’t have to defend what I want when its my life and not hers.

“Some days I think I’m dying but I’m really only trying to get through.”

It feels at times that I’m just holding onto some kind of wish but this is what I want more than anything. I will do anything to make sure that I have this life, to make sure this is what I do with my career but most of all to make sure that I’m happy, not anyone else. Which I know probably sounds really selfish but I need to do what is going to make me happy and what I want.

This is the one thing I think I’m good at. No matter how much I love theater (musical and straight acting both) there is NO way I could pursue a career in that. No matter how much I love writing there’s no way to pursue a career in that either. As much as I love both of these I don’t require the talent for either of those. But photography, it’s the one thing that I am semi good at. It’s the one time I can feel at peace with myself and I feel like I’m doing something right.

I’m just really stressed out.

I know what I want and I feel like she, along with everyone else in my family isn’t supporting me in what I want to do. I know its not what they had in mind me for me but than my family needs to realize that I’m not like them. I wouldn’t be content with an office job and with living in Ohio my whole life, that’s not me and I need to do what is me. Sooner or later I’ll figure this all out but right now I just feel pressured and really stressed. Maybe this will all happen sooner than I think or maybe it will take some time but it’s what I want and I will do whatever it takes to make sure I achieve what I want.


“Can I turn to you, in my need. Will you take me back or watch me bleed? Are you there, there at all? And as I fall from the person that I tried to be, could you really love someone life me?” -’Once Upon A Time’ from Bare